Let’s begin with a straightforward statement. McAfee expert Francois Paget got duped by a YouTube video, he went “nutty professor,” and he wrote a hysterical blog about it on McAfee’s official website (archived here).

And then, just for good measure, Paget touted a new McAfee product that can protect you from being duped— protect you from the hysteria he— protect you from the threat he concocted— oh, never mind.

It disturbs me that Francois Paget got duped so easily. Memo to Paget: click here.

Wired pundit Kevin Poulsen exposed Paget’s stupidity in a rather blistering story. Poulsen reveals a German “viral video” production firm conceived the “Blair Witch” script to promote (get this!) a conference for video gamers.

It disturbs me that Paget got duped so easily. A quick glance at the video stats reveal it’s been watched more than a million times in just the last half-year. Clue, anyone?

If this was a genuine SCADA attack, all the SCADA hype-meisters out there would have pounced on this video the very day it came out. Why, then, would Paget be the first expert to label it a SCADA attack a half-year later? How could he not realize this?

Did Paget do basic research to learn where this SCADA attack took place? No. Did Paget do basic research to learn which hacking group took credit for this SCADA attack? No. Did Paget do basic research to learn how this hacking group pulled off their SCADA attack? No. Did Paget do basic research to learn…

Hey, you know what I just did? I did some basic research on Paget for this column. “Basic research, Rob? That’s amazing!” Thanks for the facetiousness but, really, it was nothing. Anyway, I came across Paget’s LinkedIn profile (or at least a cleverly disguised hoax profile which, according to Paget, is as good as the original.) He’s worked at McAfee since at least 1993 when he—

—waitaminit, I just got an email from the Frenchman. It reads:

“Dear Rob, I heard that you work for the CIA. Can you give me some details on how NCIS agent Timothy McGee hacked into your CIA network so easily? TIA! All my love, Francois.”

Even worse for Paget’s stupidity level — you can watch the YouTube video in high def. That’s what we call “a subtle clue.” Al Qaeda’s movie studio couldn’t possibly match Hollywood’s infinite resources to produce HD video. Heck, you can’t even watch this staged remote-control diesel engine attack in high def.

(Hmmm. You know, I couldn’t have bashed Paget so easily if he’d used the diesel engine attack video. Lucky me.)

The production company calls it a “viral video.” Sadly, Paget got infected. And McAfee spread the virus through their official blog. Much to the production company’s delight, I’m sure.

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Let’s run with this absurdity, shall we? Let’s pretend Paget got duped by the trailer for the new movie “Pontypool“:

Last week, I discovered a video posted on YouTube. We can see an entire town getting infected by a virus that spreads via the English language. Two guys having a conversation can spread the virus! I have some doubts about the technical aspects of a virus spreading through the spoken word. But fake or not, the video confirms that terrorists have got their eyes on lexicon viruses. Perhaps the first demo was just for fun, but the others will have less juvenile goals. An attack can involve nationwide damage, a terrible effect on the public’s morale, and huge financial losses. Modern language is more vulnerable than ever…

Or hey, what if Paget got duped by the movie “Eagle Eye“? Or what if he got duped by this episode of “Fringe“? Or what if he got duped by the movie “Fatal Error“?

It’s a “viral video.” Sadly, Paget got infected. And McAfee spread the virus through their official blog…

Or — good grief, what if Paget got duped by the new “Land of the Lost” comedy? “I have some doubts about the technical aspects of using tachyons to travel instantly through time and relative dimensions in space. But fake or not, this movie trailer confirms that terrorists have got their eyes on TARDIS machines…”

(“Uh, Rob. You mixed up ‘Land of the Lost’ with ‘Dr. Who.’” I did? Crud. I should have done basic research before I wrote that last paragraph. But no matter! Paget will agree with me that the Enterprise is the same as the Jupiter II and Joey from “Friends” was as good a starship driver as Sulu was in “Galaxy Quest.”)

Run with it, folks! Make up a parody of Paget’s blog and post it as a comment to this column. Or post it on your own blog and throw me a pingback. Let’s tear a pound of flesh out of this hysteria-monger.

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If we follow Paget’s {ahem} “logic,” then the solution to our woes is simple. We just need to get McAfee to sponsor these horrific viral videos.

Seriously! If you’re a fan of the TV show “24,” then you know Cisco firewalls stand strong while everything else of a cyber nature collapses as part of a diabolical Hollywood plot line. The only reason Cisco firewalls are impenetrable is because Cisco sponsors the show.

So. By Paget’s {ahem} logic, if McAfee sponsored every SCADA attack video, then our problems would be solved!

“I have some doubts about the technical aspects of a firewall standing up to a SCADA attack just because McAfee sponsored the video production. But fake or not, those videos will confirm that terrorists cannot get past the security of McAfee software…”

You know what’s really sad about all this? Every absurdity in this column passes muster if we follow Paget’s {ahem} logic.

Folks, something bad is happening at McAfee. First David Milam goes insane; now Francois Paget. And I finally understand why.

Last week, you see, I discovered a video posted on YouTube. It shows how an entire company can get infected by a disease that spreads via the act of breathing. Two guys breathing the same air can spread the disease! I have some doubts about the technical aspects of a disease spreading this way. But fake or not, the video confirms that terrorists have got their eyes on making us suffer this disease…

I don’t recall mentioning it before on this website but, when I give lectures, I sometimes talk about the fact I send stamped envelopes to the people I lambaste in my most vehement critiques.

My very best envelopes contain things like the original first draft of my column with markups or perhaps the original audio script with markups. My wife used to keep a stash of Hershey bars in the fridge and I’d purposely lick the envelope flap with a chocolate-stained tongue — a hidden symbolic insult that “my job forces me to taste the brown-tinged guesstimates you keep pulling out of your butt.”

If an envelope doesn’t merit my brownish spit, then it will probably only contain a printout of my published column. I’ll highlight the person’s name with a marker and I’ll toss in one of my business cards. Then I’ll microwave a cup of chicken noodle soup before I lick the envelope — a hidden symbolic insult saying “get well soon.” It’s my version of a get-well card.

Then I go brush my teeth. Or wash my hands. Or take a shower. Know what I mean?

This morning I received an email from … well, I know he’d appreciate the anonymity. Let’s just say he attended one of my military lectures and he’s been a fervent reader ever since. He applauded me for the comedy in my latest column, then asked “will you be sending [McAfee CMO David Milam] an envelope?”

Hmmm! I didn’t think about it until this email came in. But since he brought it up … I cooked a scrumptious bowl of Maruchan Ramen for breakfast. Chicken flavor. Seasoned just the way I like it with {burp} oregano & chives plus a hint of crushed red pepper.

Milam will receive my envelope sometime this week. Let’s hope he gets well soon. After all: a mind is a terrible thing to waste…

Antivirus vendor McAfee issued a truly bizarre report that claims spam releases 17 million metric tons of CO² into the atmosphere each year.

Pardon me while I repeat the previous sentence: “spam releases 17 million metric tons of CO² into the atmosphere each year.”

Irony, any­one? McAfee’s press coverage re­leased 104.37K tons of CO² into the atmo­sphere. It’s the equi­va­lent of 46,500 Vmyths colum­nists de­bunking McAfee’s cal­cu­la­tions since 1988…

My jaw hit the floor when McAfee trumpeted this absurdly precise cause-and-effect between spam and greenhouse gases. My first thought was, “which world-renowned experts on greenhouse gases vetted this report?”

{sniff} I smell a massive pile of False Authority Syndrome here, folks. This paltry 12-page “scientific” report blames unsolicited commercial emails for 1/500th of all the carbon dioxide pollution we humans spew into the atmosphere each year. The “references” section itself is a scant one page long. Heck, the title page takes up as much space as the references!

Listen to me carefully — you are tin-foil-hat insane if you actually take this report at face value. Ask the men with the butterfly nets to drive you to their happy town. Oh, and click here for some important advice.

How on earth did an antivirus firm come up with this idea in the first place? I’m guessing McAfee’s chief marketing officer, David Milam, scores way better drugs than the rest of us. I can only imagine the pitch he gave to a smoke-filled board room:

“Look, guys. You’re the board of directors, right? You know spam burns a lot of finance and productivity among our customers. Well, my kids were watching Sesame Street the other day and {inhales deeply} Oscar was burning some trash in his garbage can {exhales} and that really pretty human chick walks by, you know the babe I’m talkin’ about, right? Well, she starts chiding Oscar for adding greenhouse gases to the atmosphere. And I’m thinking {inhales deeply} spam is a waste of electricity and {exhales} power plants burn a lot of fossil fuel and I’m thinking, wow, spam must be a big reason why we spew greenhouse gases into the air! So I think it’d be a great idea to spend some money to hire a climate change consultant and a spam expert…

I swear I don’t make this stuff up — McAfee’s report declares their “state-of-the-art spam filter” software can eliminate nearly one out of every 500 particles of CO² humanity releases into the atmosphere each year. I quote directly from McAfee’s report:

If every inbox were protected by a state-of-the-art spam filter [like the one McAfee sells], organizations and individuals could reduce today’s spam energy by approximately 75 percent or 25 TWh per year. That’s equivalent to taking 2.3 million cars off the road.

Folks, if that’s not computer security hype, then I don’t know what is.

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Let’s enjoy ourselves for a moment, shall we? Let’s take McAfee’s absurdist claims at face value and take the logical next step.

McAfee’s report actually claims their spam filtering product can eliminate nearly 1/500th of all greenhouse gases currently released into the atmosphere each year. But as we all know, spam’s not the only computer security problem we’ve got out there.

Take March Madness, for example: it threatens the survival of our planet with greenhouse gases and it destroys billions of U.S. dollars in lost productivity. McAfee could issue a “green” report saying:

If every computer was protected by a state-of-the-art March Madness filter, organizations and individuals could reduce today’s wasted energy by approximately 75 percent per year. That’s equivalent to taking 2.3 million cars off the road.

Or take political TV advertising, for example: it threatens the survival of our planet with greenhouse gases and it destroys billions of dollars of hard-earned money. McAfee could issue a “green” report saying:

If every television was protected by a state-of-the-art political advertising filter, organizations and individuals could reduce today’s wasted energy by approximately 75 percent per year. That’s equivalent to taking 2.3 million cars off the road.

“C’mon, Rob. That’s absurd.” Exactly my point. And so is McAfee’s report.

Memo to McAfee CMO David Milam: my “tin foil hat” assessment applies to you. Click here for some important advice…