Truth About Computer Security Hysteria

BS from the BCS

[Editor's note: turn down the volume if you listen to the audio version of this column. Don't say we didn't warn you...]

ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY. Back in the 1990s, a movie studio asked me to serve as technical advisor for a screenplay in which a computer virus plays an important role.

If we're going to scold kids not to hack like they do in "Matrix Re­loaded," we should tell them it's also illegal to jump off a high-rise buil­ding with a bomb-laden motor­cycle.

I signed a non-disclosure agreement and promptly received their material. I read it and wrote back with the classic start-off line, "where should I begin?" I banged out a lengthy nitpicking diatribe and I told them I did not want my name to appear in the credits for such an idiotic bomb.

...So I'm sitting in the theater, munching on popcorn, when Neo claws his way out of his slave cocoon and the connectors suddenly blast off his body. "The Matrix" hits me with full force. At the end I thought, "well, I didn't see the computer virus and it didn't end like the original screenplay. Musta been one heck of a rewrite."

The movie studio honored my demand to keep my name out of the credits.

...So I'm reading the advance hoopla about "Matrix Reloaded," and it talks about how Agent Smith comes back as a computer virus. And I thought, "aha, no wonder the first movie didn't end like I expected. I read the whole thing." When you hear people say the Wachowski Brothers envisioned it as a trilogy, they ain't lying.

...So I'm sitting in the theater, munching on popcorn, when Neo & Trinity get it on in their big love-making scene. I turn to my wife and nonchalantly say to her, "that definitely wasn't in the original screenplay. I'd remember it."

Absolutely true story, I swear.

This cute anecdote leads me to talk about a rather bizarre story in ComputerWeekly. The headline says "experts fear hacking scenes in Matrix Reloaded are too accurate." Reporter John Kavanagh blabbed:

Expert BCS [British Computer Society] members have warned movie fans not to try to emulate the realistic depiction of computer hacking seen in hit film The Matrix Reloaded. The society said many experts were sufficiently concerned about the accuracy of some of the computing scenes that they have alerted young enthusiasts about the illegality of hacking and the tough prison sentences handed out to perpetrators of this crime.

1. add a laxative aphrodisiac to a piece of chocolate cake;
2. destroy a park bench while fighting dozens of replicant agents;
3. evade law enforcement officials on a motorcycle you stole from a moving truck;
4. ride a motorcycle or drive an 18-wheel rig in the wrong direction on a busy stretch of interstate highway;
5. purposely shoot at innocent drivers who wander into your line of fire;
6. conspire to shut down the electrical power grid for a 27-block area so your friends can break into a building wired from top to bottom with high explosives;
7. jump off a high-rise building with a bomb-laden motorcycle;
8. shoot anyone with a silver bullet;
9. use a motorcycle helmet as a weapon;
10. create a deadly vortex by flying between buildings at 2,000mph;
11. ...and so on.

I'd tell you about all of the things it's illegal to do in "Matrix Revolutions," but I signed a non-disclosure agreement. You'll need to wait until the British Computer Society issues another bizarre press release.