Truth About Computer Security Hysteria

Exodus 20:16 is a victimless sin

MY LOCAL FISHWRAPPER ran another story related to the cyber-terror analyst who ironically fell victim to physical terrorism. "Man charged with misleading police," the headline reads. It says:

A disturbing number of virus experts lie just like Matthew Dowdy allegedly did.

Matthew Dowdy, 37, of Falls Church, Va., was arrested by Fairfax County, Va., police Friday afternoon and charged with making a false statement... The charge carries a maximum penalty of six months in jail. Authorities began doubting his story — what had initially seemed a good break in the frustrating [Washington, D.C. sniper] case — after comparing it with accounts from others who saw the fatal shooting of an FBI analyst Monday night in a shopping center parking garage. Dowdy went before a magistrate Friday evening and was ordered held without bail at the county jail until a Monday arraignment.

Northeastern University criminologist James Fox said false witnesses aren’t routinely prosecuted. But authorities likely were aggressive with Dowdy because of the damage he caused to their case, he said. "They are probably trying to make an example of him, almost to punish him for the extent of the frustration that they have," Fox said.

(Hmmm. Seven uses of "allegedly" in a single paragraph. Tell Dowdy's lawyer to buzz off.)

Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines a witness as "one that gives evidence; specifically: one who testifies in a cause or before a judicial tribunal." So — by definition — anyone who "gives evidence" about computer viruses would qualify as a witness. Anyone who "testifies" about computer viruses before a congressional panel or a corporate board of directors would qualify as a witness. Anyone who goes before the media in the "cause" to eradicate computer viruses would qualify as a witness, too.

Police officials treated Dowdy by definition as an event witness. Society treats a virus expert by definition as an expert witness.

The antivirus industry brims with celebrity virus experts. The U.S. capitol brims with civil servant virus experts. Large firms hire virus experts for their computer security teams. All of these people serve as expert witnesses in the cause to eradicate computer viruses.

Virus experts lie to those who don't care to corroborate their testimony.

You'll find a disturbing number of liars among those expert witnesses.

VMYTHS DOCUMENTS SOME arrogant examples of virus experts who spout lies, damned lies, and (of course) statistics.

Longtime readers know we seldom shield our accusations behind the word "allegedly." Sadly, a constant one-digit balance in our checkbook prevents us from documenting more of their lies. Oh, sure, Vmyths could start raking in the dough if we'd just drop "truth" from our website slogan ... but I'll choose to forego a salary before I forego credibility.

A disturbing number of virus experts lie just like Matthew Dowdy allegedly did. Their jobs get them just close enough to tragic situations so they can pass themselves off as a prime witness like Matthew Dowdy allegedly did. They make up testimony out of whole cloth just like Matthew Dowdy allegedly did. Lying virus experts will concoct detailed descriptions just like Matthew Dowdy allegedly did.

This leads to an obvious question. "Why don't a disturbing number of virus experts get charged with the crime of false testimony like Dowdy did?"

First: Dowdy allegedly lied to the court of public law. Virus experts lie to the court of public opinion. Second: investigators tried to corroborate Dowdy's testimony. Virus experts lie to those who don't care to corroborate their testimony. Third: Dowdy allegedly hindered a terrorism/murder investigation. Need I say more?

No lie: I've spent fourteen years of my life documenting how virus experts lie to you. The very experts you pay to protect your PC will all too often lie, even if they know it will harm their clients' best interests. The very civil servants who take oaths of office to protect your PC will all too often lie, even if they know it will harm their country's best interests. The very employees who draw a paycheck to protect your PC will all too often lie, even if they know it will harm their company's best interests.

Virus experts have to live with their lies, so they "rationalize" it in any number of ways.

Virus experts lie to you for all sorts of reasons — usually out of vanity and/or greed. But they've got to live with their lies, so they {ahem} "rationalize" it in any number of ways. For example:

• Reporters would never believe the truth, so John told them what they expected to hear.
• The damage was small, so Dan made it big.
• Reporters demand numbers but we have no data, so Mike pulled estimates out of his butt.
• It doesn't really exist, so Larry claimed it can't be detected.
• We spend an exorbitant amount to combat physical terrorism, so Richard extortedexhorted Congress to spend some of it to combat cyber-terrorism.
• Users won't follow complicated good advice, so John gave them simple bad advice.
• The company might cut the security team's budget & staff if they do too good of a job, so the manager lets viruses slip through occasionally.
• His "meltdown" predictions flopped miserably, so Russ promoted himself as a voice of reason.
• Users don't do enough to protect themselves, so KC views hysteria as a user incentive.
• They work in PR, so they don't waste time on rationalizations. It's a lie: get over it. Hey, let's do lunch! Have your fax machine call my fax machine, we'll meet up at Spago's for a three-martini-plus-cigar power lunch where we can laugh at all of the antivirus addicts who blame everything but us whenever our products fail to stop a virus from devastating their networks.

YET THE COURT of public opinion rarely prosecutes virus experts for their lies.

Nobody really gets hurt by a lying virus expert. And society gets a taboo satisfaction out of it.

Heck, lying virus experts don't get punished — they get rewarded! The media bestows valuable free ink on virus experts whenever they tell a whopper. Federal fearmongers invite lying virus experts to appear with them on C-SPAN.

And society wants it this way! They want the lies! They clamor for it just like the chorus of a Sheryl Crow song. The whole thing disgusts me.

Virus experts ultimately lie to us because society wants them to do it. Technically, they don't really "lie" so much as they "prostitute." Think of it as a victimless crime. Like a 900 number. Staffed by roly-poly grandmothers. You throw a credit card at them and they talk dirty to you like a leggy voluptuous nubile teen who just graduated from Catholic school.

Nobody gets hurt by it. You get some taboo satisfaction out of it. A job is created! Did roly-poly lie about her measurements, or did she just do society's bidding?

Of course, grandma's got to live with her lies, too. She, too, will "rationalize" it any number of ways. For example:

Marjorie, how can you afford to play so many cards at every church bingo match? I know Gilbert didn't leave much behind when he passed away.
	Oh, I earn my bingo money on the side. It augments my monthly social security check.
You earn it on the side? Richard & I never see you drive to work. What do you do?
	I work over the phone. I'm a... I'm a... a dialog coach! Yeah, that's the ticket. I make my money without ever leaving the house.
Wow, you mean you're like a Hollywood actress who just does voices?
	Uh, I suppose you could say that...

Reporters would bestow valuable free ink on us if we'd just give society what it really wants. Federal fearmongers would invite us onto C-SPAN and say "these guys were our fiercest critics and yet we convinced them to join our chorus of doomsayers!"

Hmph. The whole thing disgusts me. And that's the truth.

[Credit where due: I stole the "job is created" line from comedian Bill Hicks. Grandma stole "that's the ticket" from comedian John Lovitz.]