Success by implied association, part 2

Rob Rosenberger, Vmyths co-founder
Sunday, 27 January 2002

[continued from part 1: Chumming the waters]

Part 2: Comedy is not pretty

NOW LET'S GET to the sick part of my mi2g diatribe. Gather 'round for the feeding frenzy, you sadistic cartel of antivirus experts!

I sent my first email query to mi2g via my personal account. I didn't hide my name; I only left out my affiliation. I wanted to see how they'd answer a "Joe SixPack" email. I honestly didn't expect mi2g to recognize my name ... but they did. Memo to self: dump the low self esteem.

Selley thanked me for "all your free broadcasting of mi2g over the years. Please find attached a more up-to-date photo and profile of DK Matai for your records... There are plenty of mi2g clients who have enjoyed your excellent sense of humour over the years. Keep up the good work."

Huh?!? Selley sounds like the suicidal pig^[1] in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. "Something off the shoulder, perhaps?" Trust me: antivirus experts hate it when their shark bait enjoys our biting humor. But hey, she handed me some comedy material, so — yeah, waiter, I'll take the suicidal pig!^[1]

I cropped the photo with humor in mind. Check out the pretzel wound on Matai's forehead. Okay, enough with the visuals.

If mi2g's customer base finds Vmyths so funny, why doesn't the firm republish our rants on their website? ("For PR reasons, Rob." Yes yes, I know. I asked a rhetorical question.) Now I'll begin quoting from chairman/CEO D.K. Matai's "profile 1.1" file:

DK Matai founded mi2g, the eRisk Management and Bespoke Security Architecture^™ group, whilst developing simulations for his PhD at Imperial College in London and was selected to present Knowledge Management to the Queen in 1998.

Actually, this opening piece sounds misleading. mi2g didn't talk publicly about eRisk Management or Bespoke Security Architecture^™ until 1999. Before then, they specialized in a "paradigm shift" they called "lounges" which, as every schoolboy knows, ushered in the ubiquitous Internet concept we know today as, uh ... lounges.

Yes. Lounges. Definitely.

Okay, okay, I'll admit mi2g hasn't updated their paradigm-shifting law lounge since mid-1999. Nor have they updated the games lounge, nor the music lounge. Please, folks, let's not digress! mi2g popped out of the computer security woodwork in 1999 when they published a supposedly "internal memorandum" on the topic of "cyber warfare." Matai gave up the paradigm shift for a security career and never looked back.

As for him receiving an audience with Her Majesty — yeah, big deal. I won a pair of third-row tickets to see Queen in 1977. Matai was what, 8yrs old back then? 'Nuff said. Let's continue:

DK Matai is an authority on electronic attack and counter-attack, biometric authentication, secure payment systems and Open Source hardened kernel solutions. mi2g has liaised closely with government departments since DK Matai predicted the NATO-Serbia and China-Taiwan sympathetic hacker attacks in 1999 and mi2g’s Intelligence Unit briefings are widely known and circulated.

Ah, of course — as if he alone predicted the non-existent NATO-Serbia cyberwar and the non-existent China-Taiwan cyberwar. Believe it, folks: mi2g wants us to applaud Matai for making two bad predictions!

Believe it, folks: mi2g wants us to applaud Matai for making two bad predictions!

WHILE WE'RE AT it, let's also credit him for predicting wanton death & destruction in 1999 if a virus set computer clocks past Y2K before Y2K. Matai later claimed he found a clock-forwarding Y2K virus ... but he didn't bother to give copies to antivirus vendors. It remains a mystery why he chose to let the world rot in such grave peril.

mi2g doesn't impress me with claims of "widely known and circulated" intelligence briefings. Their website offers snippets of banal babble, nothing more. Shouldn't your site put your best foot forward? I've yet to see a page with real substance.

"Biometric authentication expert." Yeah, yeah, big deal. My cat is a biometric authentication expert. Gray Poopon hisses at anyone whose smell doesn't register in his little CPU. (Decorum prevents me from explaining why I call him Gray Poopon. You're smart; figure it out for yourself.) Let's continue:

DK Matai believes passionately that the future for digitisation lies in its ability to drive down operational costs within a secure operating environment. [blah blah blah... He] heads up research projects into Open Source kernels and trusted computing infrastructure.

This guy coined the phrase "bespoke security" — aka unique security, aka custom-made security, aka the concept I bashed in 1999 — yet Mr. D.K. Bespoke ironically studies non-bespoke operating systems. Let's continue:

He is a trusted contributor to defence and security debates and was recently introduced by Andrew Pinder, eEnvoy to the Cabinet Office, UK Government to present on asymmetric warfare post 11^th September.

Yes yes yes, everyone labeled himself an asymmetric warfare expert after the terrorist attacks. I secretly work for the CIA, you know. (Who doesn't these days?) We at Vmyths can boast a stunning 2.5 confirmed asymmetric kills. Tell us something impressive, will you? Let's continue:

DK Matai is 33 and, in addition to mi2g and his research, his main interests are people, technology and languages. He has lived in Asia, Europe and North America but he now lives in London with his family.

Memo to mi2g: your carlounge.com domain comes up for renewal in April. Don't let this happen to your much-ballyhoo'd paradigm shift...

mi2-gee, what a coincidence! I, too, used to live in Europe and North America. Now I live in Iowa with the Amish. (The Amish can relate to my job because it involves manure and a shovel.) I can't say I lived in Asia, but I spent a week there one afternoon. Does that count?

Man! If that comedy doesn't put a smile on Selley's face, then I don't know what will. I gorged myself on enough humor for today, folks — I'm outta here. Give the antivirus cartel my sick regards.

ONE FINAL POINT. I talked about the " 'inverse problem' of accuracy" in a previous rant about Matai. I want to revisit the issue.

"The more I strive for [accuracy], the more I get critiqued for minor things," I griped. "On the other hand, mi2g can get away with all sorts of wild claims because they don't strive for accuracy." A dichotomy forms because mi2g seeks the shallow masses whereas Vmyths seeks the enlightened minority.

Our readers hold us to a higher-than-average standard; uncaring reporters hold mi2g to a lower-than-average standard. My self esteem can live with it.

[Credit where due: the "not pretty" headline pays homage to Steve Martin. I snagged the "one afternoon" line from music legend Harry Chapin.]