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Truth about computer security hysteria
Truth About Computer Security Hysteria

Two words: 'antivirus pornography'

Rob Rosenberger, Vmyths co-founder
Wednesday, 5 September 2001

As read by the author (MP3) COMEDY! YES, TODAY feels like a comedy day. Computer security needs a healthy dose of humor every once in awhile, you know.

I love computer security! I once got paid to study every titillating photo on Anna Kournikova's website...

Let's gaze first at APBNews, a firm which filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Independence Day — to gain independence from their creditors. (I love irony.) Their website remained up & running, though. And then one day it fell victim to the Code Red worm.

I suspect the computer security expert got sacked just a little too soon. Not to worry, though: the webmaster posted a message to assure readers "the web site is under restoration. More exciting news will follow in the comming [sic] days." And then I suspect the webmaster got sacked. These things happen, you know.

APBNews still displayed its Code Red restoration notice as of last night. (Hmmm. Should we issue an APB for the webmaster?) I archived a snapshot for posterity; click on the image for a larger version. Enjoy!

Look, Ma!  No security!
They laid off the security guy,
then they laid off the webmaster,
but the site's still up & running

Okay, enough nerd humor. Let's get to the naughty pictures!

First, though, I want to reiterate how much I love my job as a computer security expert. I once got paid to study every titillating photo on Anna Kournikova's website — just so I could brag about it in a column.

I'm not the only one who loves his computer security job. One of my colleagues set his browser's home page to a really naughty website just to make sure the firm's porno-blocking software worked. He usually (but not always) appeared at the top of the daily "bad boy" surfing report. Whew, you don't want to know what happened to employees who knocked him upoff the list. Another colleague once had to ask management for permission to block employees from a domain called (and I swear I'm not making up this name)...

I love computer security! I got paid to write a column about these photos...

Huh? Okay, okay, no more pontificating about the many perks of computer security. On to the naughty pictures!

MESSAGELABS EARNS A lot of publicity because they can produce realtime virus data. The firm also produces quarterly reports — just to make other antivirus vendors jealous. And boy, let me tell you, the guys at MessageLabs like to look at naughty photos! They pimpedpumped out a 2MB report in July with a cover photo you truly need to see to believe:

Snapshot taken from an antivirus report!
This snapshot comes directly from an
antivirus vendor's quarterly report!

Stare intently at the picture. I know the text gets in the way, but just let your dirty little mind wander. Click on the photo if you still can't figure it out. You'll see the full uncensored version.

Don't worry — we run a professional website around here. If it's clean enough for a computer security report, then it's clean enough for us to show you. Again, I just want to reiterate how much I love my job as a computer security expert. I got paid to archive these pictures for your edification.

Don't feel embarrassed — I mean, it's not like you're gawking at a porn site...

I wonder: did the guy get a sunburned neck, or did he just blush?

WHO KNEW A computer virus could look so gorgeous? Trust me: the jokes flew when Panda Software hired a bevy of beauties to play the role of well-known computer viruses. If you still have one of AVP's "floppy condoms," then you can ... uh, "insert joke here." (Man, my humor works on sooo many levels.)

Please keep both hands on the keyboard as you gaze adoringly at these well-endowed viruses. From left to right: Melissa, ILoveYou, and Kournikova:

Computer viruses (l to r): Melissa, ILoveYou, Kournikova
Gorgeous bipedal humanoid computer viruses!
From left to right: Melissa, ILoveYou, Kournikova

Go on, lickclick the photo! You know you want to. Don't feel embarrassed — I mean, it's not like you're gawking at a porn site. Panda sells antivirus software and Vmyths critiques the antivirus industry. We abhor the blatant sexploitation of women. (Okay, sure, we do enjoy a little violence now & then, but never porn. Nope! Not at all.) I personally invite you to study these photos for long periods of time late at night in the privacy of your parents' basement.

Oh, I almost forgot. Long-time readers will recall Panda once wrote a love letter to a virus author...