Truth About Computer Security Hysteria
Believe me: we're in good hands
Monday, 12 November 2001
I FILLED MY belly last night at a Veterans Day banquet. We all bowed our heads to pray for patriotic men & women who served our great nation over the centuries.
Some (like myself) returned to civilian life after fulfilling our military commitments. Others (like my wife) made a career out of their patriotism. More than a few made the ultimate sacrifice for freedom. We prayed for them all at our dinner banquet, and I know many people across America bowed their heads in the same prayer.
Speaking of patriotism...
As you may know, an antivirus cartel supplies China with virus technology. The people we pay to guard our computers ironically give an oppressive communist regime the skills they need to wipe out capitalistic military computers, capitalistic government computers, capitalistic business computers, capitalistic academic computers, and capitalistic personal computers.
This worldwide Cartel of Antivirus Research Organizations — let's call it CARO for short — elected a U.S. citizen as their diplomat to China. He once served the oppressive communist regime as a tool of his company's capitalistic marketing department; now he serves the oppressive communist regime as a tool of many companies' capitalistic marketing departments.
CARO's diplomat to China never misses a chance to tell me how much he despises his duties. But he knows you sometimes need to do disgusting things to help both your cartel and your country. Less importantly, his activities promote fair trade within China for other CARO members. More importantly, his activities prevent the turnover of excessive virus technology to China.
I don't know who defines "fair trade" and "excessive" for CARO, but it really doesn't matter. Believe me: we're in good hands.
CARO's diplomat to China tries hard to rationalize what he does. To quote Dilbert: "sometimes the straightest path is through the mud." This U.S. citizen does what he's told because someone's got to do it. Why, if he didn't do it, the cartel might choose someone with less patriotism — or, worse, the cartel might choose a non-U.S. citizen. Who would keep America's best interests at heart when transferring virus technology to China if not him?
"It's four days after a horrifying act of terrorism, yet here I am, getting ready for work so I can once again teach an oppressive communist regime how to attack critical U.S. infrastructures. Mmm, is that bacon I smell?"
Like I said: we're in good hands.
The White House's top cyber-terrorism expert trusts CARO's diplomat to China enough to involve him in U.S. national security affairs — without a security clearance, I'll wager. And I doubt the president knows anything about it.
ANYWAY, LET'S SUPPOSE China expects CARO to deliver new virus technology on a monthly basis. Let's further suppose they expect it to arrive on, oh, say the 15th of each month.
Imagine how CARO's diplomat must have felt on September 15th. What did this guy think about as he shaved in front of a mirror that morning? "It's four days after a horrifying act of terrorism, yet here I am, getting ready for work so I can once again teach an oppressive communist regime how to attack critical U.S. infrastructures. Mmm, is that bacon I smell?"
Man, I wouldn't want to be CARO's diplomat to China so soon after the September attacks. If I were him, I'd feel incredibly embarrassed. And if I were him, I wouldn't want my U.S.-based antivirus firm to be connected to activities that look unpatriotic on the surface...
Ah well, enough rambling. Let's talk about something else. Hey, did you catch the recent speech given by demoted presidential fearmonger Richard Clarke? He believes a Chinese computer virus attack could inflict "catastrophic damage to the economy [that is the] functional equivalent of 767s crashing into buildings." Ironically, the White House's top cyber-terrorism expert trusts CARO's diplomat to China. Clarke trusts him far more than he'll ever trust me.
Clarke trusts CARO's diplomat to China enough to involve him in U.S. national security affairs — without a security clearance, I'll wager. And I doubt the president knows anything about it.
But it really doesn't matter. Believe me: we're in good hands.