Truth About Computer Security Hysteria

Bartender! Irony for everyone

LOTS OF IRONIC tidbits for you...

He lost a colleague in the World Trade Center attack, but governor James Gilmore called for a "Cyber Court" to protect our nation from computer terrorism.

Ironically, Gilmore's cry of cyber-alarm was silenced — by an anthrax scare. He fled the building.

Hmmm. Did Gilmore leave his laptop logged in when he fled for his life?

A Newsbytes newswire reports "Virginia Gov. James Gilmore, R, today warned a congressional panel about the threat of a terrorist cyberattack, and urged the federal government to adopt an array of new defenses against possible electronic strikes." Gilmore's written testimony noted the ironic death of one of his cyber-security analysts in the World Trade Center attack. Still, he urged Congress to establish a "Cyber Court" in an effort to save the Internet from the ravages of Osama bin Virus.

And then — even more ironically — the governor and everyone else fled the congressional building because of an anthrax scare. "Gilmore had time to deliver his testimony, but was not able to answer any questions from lawmakers," Newsbytes reporter David McGuire (dryly?) observed.

I'll bet Gilmore ran straight to Walgreens for a Cipro prescription. Did he leave his laptop logged in when he fled for his life? Man, that would be ironic.

Congressman Sherwood Boehlert (R-NY) "intends to ask Gilmore [to] return to complete his testimony at a later date, Science Committee spokeswoman Heidi Tringe said today." Yes, there's actually a politician from New York who fears computer mayhem as much as a smoking crater and deadly biological spores.

Longtime readers will recall FBI's National InternetInfrastructure Protection Center vowed to assure the "continuation of government" when it formed in 1998. The agency heroically protects PCs in capitol buildings. No one wants to enter those buildings right now, but FBI NIPC continues to protect the all-important computers so our government can continue to function. Great job, guys.

Gilmore's written testimony ironically hailed the demotion of one of our favorite computer security fearmongers. "President Bush also has tapped a career professional in Richard Clarke to advise the White House on Cyberspace Security," he noted. Clarke used to advise the president about all types of terrorism, but now he'll just watch for terrorism on the Internet. To put it bluntly: Clarke got what he wished for. (He knows he got demoted, too. Big time.)

Clarke focused on the threat of 14yr-old wannabees — and America paid the price for his folly. Don't ask me why Bush didn't fire the guy outright. But hey, at least Clarke will live to regret his cyber-terrorism fetish. I can't say the same for the 6,000+ people whose computers he took an oath to protect...

Mark my words: more demotions will occur in the following weeks. Congress authorized an extra forty billion dollars to combat physical terrorism, yet only allocated an extra ten million dollars to combat Internet terrorism. Gilmore will need to divert, oh, a billion from the physical terrorism pot before his "Cyber Court" comes to fruition.

In other news, ZDNN and The Register reported the existence of a new Anthrax computer virus. Ironically, they wasted ink on a virus that doesn't work. I keep telling you: timing means everything in this business. This thing received media coverage entirely because of its name.

A group of 14yr-olds did what Osama bin Laden couldn't do — they forced the United States to its knees by hacking a government website. The Internet will die if we don't capitulate to their demands...

ON A FINAL note, I regret to tell you we lost the war against terrorism. Newsbytes reports "a Pakistani hacking group has defaced a Web server operated by the U.S. government and threatened to hit American and British military [web] sites unless its demands are met."

The hackers "claimed to have 'some very high confidential US data' that it would hand over to [bin Laden's troops] unless the U.S. met several demands. The group's confusing ultimatum included the removal of U.S. troops from Saudi Arabia, the cessation of bombing in Afghanistan, and the production of 'evidence,' among other demands."

A group of bored 14yr-olds did what the mighty Osama bin Laden couldn't do — they forced the United States to its knees. Forget the anthrax scares! Forget the gigantic hole in New York City! We gotta withdraw from Southwest Asia, pronto. The Internet will die if we don't capitulate. Ask Virginia's governor if you don't believe me.

Then again, given all this physical terrorism, I suspect the Internet will ironically out-survive us. I'll congratulate FBI NIPC for their success with my dying breath. My anthrax-free server will crunch SETI data while my anthrax-infested carcass rots in the street...