Jul 30 2009

Black Hat & DEFCON panelists: “Michelle Obama is doomed!”

New BIND 9 vuln + leaked P2P file = 100% probability of death for the First Lady
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A bunch of hysterical computer security stories popped up on my radar in the last few days. A huge bunch. I mean really huge. {sniff} Do I smell an annual hacker conference?

You can always count on hysteria before & during a global hacker conference…

I thought for sure the global economic recession would hit them in the digital pocketbooks … but, no. Untold numbers of elite hackers and government middle-managers with discretionary budgets have descended on Las Vegas to impress each other with their hilarious hijinxs and their nonchalant predictions of a looming cybergeddon based on some lecturer’s byte-tacular discovery he made while toying around with a debugger after clocking out from the evening shift at Taco Bell.

You can always count on hysteria before & during a global hacker convention — especially the siamese twins known as “Black Hat” and “DEFCON.” Panelists & presenters alike go shopping every year at this time for reporters who will breathlessly pre-announce the horrifying lectures they’ll give in a nonchalant fashion to their fellow hackers and to government middle-managers whose agency budgets let them play the role of a hacker.

“C’mon, Rob. Nonchalant lectures about terrorist hacker methodologies that supposedly threaten all of the inner planets of our solar system?” Look, folks, I just expose the hysteria; I never said it makes any sense.

No doubt the House of Lords will call for the closure of all British intelligence agencies after hackers discovered a vulnerability in MI5′s public website. No doubt Congressman Edolphus Towns will demand prison for LimeWire CEO Mark Gorton over the heinous crime of marketing the P2P software that was used to leak a Google Maps route to Michelle Obama’s safe house. And I still can’t explain how security celebrities Dan Kaminsky & Kevin Mitnick escaped death when their websites got hacked.

On a sidenote — and I swear I don’t make this stuff up — the theme for this year’s Black Hat / DEFCON shindig is pasty white boys lip-syncing to African American hoodlum tone poems. In keeping with the theme, the organizers even slapped together a “Security B-Sides” conference for “speakers whose programs weren’t accepted by Black Hat.”

No joke — the theme for this year’s Black Hat / DEFCON shindig is pasty white boys lip-syncing to Afri­can Ameri­can hoodlum tone poems

“A digital rave, Rob?” Exactly. But without all the underage girls so willing to strip naked and make out with each other while you watch. At a Las Vegas convention, you gotta pay for that kind of fun.

Say, you know what would be super really ironic? Waking up to hear Robin Meade say “North Korea’s elite military hacking unit remotely logged into the Hoover Dam’s SCADA controls, unleashing trillions of gallons of water that drowned one hundred of the world’s greatest hackers plus more than a thousand government middle managers attending a rap music party at a computer security conference in Las Vegas…”

Ah, but I digress.

So, anyway. You’ll understand the context of the question if your government middle manager neighbor comes home from his week-long trip to ask “did the ‘Obama Mama’ die yet?” He’s just convinced that a horrifying BIND 9 vulnerability has combined with a leaked top secret P2P file to guarantee the death of the First Lady…


Oh! I almost forgot to tell you. The top secret Google Maps route to Michelle Obama’s safe house leads to—

“Let me guess, Rob. It leads to Congressman Towns’ local hangout, right?” ExactlyUh, I can neither confirm nor deny your belief.

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  • By xEODGuyNo Gravatar, 25 August 2009 @ 3:57 pm

    Super really ironic? *laugh*

    Rob, you kill me.

    Only Y-O-U can tie computer security hype and hysteria together with Snoop’s pro ring, which to me is super really ironic in itself.

    Great work, and good to “see” you again!

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