Apr 18 2009

A “get well soon” card for McAfee’s chief marketeer

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I don’t recall mentioning it before on this website but, when I give lectures, I sometimes talk about the fact I send stamped envelopes to the people I lambaste in my most vehement critiques.

My very best envelopes contain things like the original first draft of my column with markups or perhaps the original audio script with markups. My wife used to keep a stash of Hershey bars in the fridge and I’d purposely lick the envelope flap with a chocolate-stained tongue — a hidden symbolic insult that “my job forces me to taste the brown-tinged guesstimates you keep pulling out of your butt.”

McAfee CMO David Milam will receive this ''get well soon'' card.  (The aspirin and the toothpaste are for me.)

McAfee CMO David Milam will receive this ''get well soon'' card. (The aspirin and the toothpaste are for me.)

If an envelope doesn’t merit my brownish spit, then it will probably only contain a printout of my published column. I’ll highlight the person’s name with a marker and I’ll toss in one of my business cards. Then I’ll microwave a cup of chicken noodle soup before I lick the envelope — a hidden symbolic insult saying “get well soon.” It’s my version of a get-well card.

Then I go brush my teeth. Or wash my hands. Or take a shower. Know what I mean?

This morning I received an email from … well, I know he’d appreciate the anonymity. Let’s just say he attended one of my military lectures and he’s been a fervent reader ever since. He applauded me for the comedy in my latest column, then asked “will you be sending [McAfee CMO David Milam] an envelope?”

Hmmm! I didn’t think about it until this email came in. But since he brought it up … I cooked a scrumptious bowl of Maruchan Ramen for breakfast. Chicken flavor. Seasoned just the way I like it with {burp} oregano & chives plus a hint of crushed red pepper.

Milam will receive my envelope sometime this week. Let’s hope he gets well soon. After all: a mind is a terrible thing to waste…

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